Spinning Negatives into Positives

I couldn't have been more than two or three months into my career as a dancer when I somehow ended up in a conversation with another girl that really got into my head and made me second guess myself. Looking back now, I know exactly what she was doing, but as a brand-new dancer, even being 25 at the time, I didn't realize the game she was trying to play. I wanted to live in the fantasy that we were all sisters and dancers looked out for one another. How this conversation started, I don't honestly remember, but what I can recall crystal clear was her saying "oh... you're not making a thousand dollars MINIMUM every night?" and scoffing at me before following up with, "well, I make at least a rack every night, you must really be doing something wrong!"

I was stunned. First of all, I had no idea why it was necessary for her to be so rude or talk about her earnings with me, someone she barely knew. I tried to chalk it up to her just being a particularly bitchy person and wanting to put the new girl down. I tried not to let it ruin my mood, but damn if she hadn't done a good job of screwing with my head! I was in full self-doubt mode when I texted my then-boyfriend and told him what this other dancer had said to me. I will always be thankful for what he texted back. "Baby, there is no way that girl is racking out every night, that just isn't possible. I don't care who you are - nobody in sales has a good day every single day. First of all, she's intimidated by you because you're new and doing well and the other girls and customers like to be around you. And second, even if she somehow IS making that much a night, so what? That's just some arbitrary number and it means nothing, there is absolutely no reason in the world that you couldn't make a thousand dollars any given night, too. Believe in yourself, I know you can do it, so fuck what she said to try and make you doubt yourself. Go out there and kill it like you have been!"

So, after taking a few moments to myself in a bathroom stall and rereading his text a few times, that's exactly what I did, I killed it. That night was the first night that I ever surpassed a thousand dollars in one shift. They say you'll never forget your first thousand-dollar night, and I can certainly say that I haven't forgotten mine, and I probably never will. Not just because I hit those four little digits, either - but because I almost let someone's meaningless words get in the way of me being better than I was the previous shift. 

At the end of the day, I didn't really care about being better than that girl, but I wanted to be the best I could be and at the time, I thought that the thousand-dollar mark was how you measured your success or worth as a stripper. Silly, I know, but I think it's a more common thought among those in the industry than we might realize. I'm not the only girl with a story similar to this where another dancer says something bitchy or rude about our hustle/money, our outfit, our makeup, our vibe, our customer choice, etc. in hopes to cause our confidence to waiver. It's shitty, and certainly isn't something that people should be doing at the club, but unfortunately people will try to manipulate others for their own personal gain until the end of time. So, we need to know how to recognize these behaviors, consider the source, and let it roll off our shoulders and onto the dirty club floor as we walk away and go secure the bag. 

I think that regardless of how much we want to see the good in people, our intuition can usually tell us when there's something off about someone at work. The first thing I'm going to tell you to do is trust yourself. If you feel like someone at the club is being weird toward you, trying to undermine your confidence or get in your head, don't write it off - listen to it. There are some things that people will do to undermine others that are pretty universal to most jobs and or social situations, so let's look at a few tell-tale signs: they're constantly finding any opportunity to criticize you or give you a backhanded compliment, they try to take credit for work you're doing (being pushy about a double dance with one of your regulars, for example, that you didn't agree to), going out of their way to embarrass you in front of customers or other dancers/staff at work, jokes that are actually rude and hurtful, lying to get you in trouble with management, they discourage you from approaching customers and making your goal however they can, they ignore you in group conversations and only pay attention to you when it's to talk about your failures or mistakes, they are constantly trying to "one up" you no matter what the topic is, they compare you to others, and they try to poison your friend groups/regulars/customers you've interacted with. Like I said, you'll know when someone is being manipulative and trying to trip you up at work. Keep these examples in mind when you start feeling something off about a co-dancer, and don't let yourself fall prey to their hateful, nasty behavior. You're not in the club to make friends, you're there to make your money and go home.

It can be a challenge to let go of the rude and off-putting comments we can so often hear from other people in the club and in everyday life for that matter. However, in order to keep ourselves sane and crushing our goals, we must find a way that works for us to remember it is only you vs. you, and nobody else matters but your previous self when it comes to outdoing someone. The only person you're ever truly in competition with is yourself. One of the best ways to keep other people out of your business and unable to say much to mess with your head is simply to not infodump about yourself and your life. That sounds really simple, but it can be so tempting to chat and overshare at work, especially when you're working in a very intimate field like dancing. Just like we have back stories for customers, there's nothing wrong with using a fake backstory for certain parts of your life with everyone at work. This keeps you physically and emotionally safer in the long run, because nobody knows the ins and outs of every little thing going on in your personal life. Quite frankly, there really is no reason that anyone at the club needs to know so much about you that it can start causing problems in your outside life.

Some people, however, don't need to know anything about you to say hateful or derogatory things. The girl in my story barely knew me at all, in fact the only things she knew about me were that I was new, and I hadn't made a rack yet. Now, I want you to remember two things, first - don't share your income information with anybody. And I do mean, anybody. Don't share it with dancers, managers, staff, customers or even people in your personal life. Your money is your business and yours alone. Talking about your income can make you a target for theft, financial abuse, and manipulators looking for a handout. Second, consider the source of where the icky comment is coming from. Is it from someone who knows you at all? Is it from someone whose opinion you greatly value? Is this person contributing anything at all positive to your life? If you can answer these questions with "no", then that right there should be enough to tell you, "No, I don't care what they're saying, because it holds no weight in my world". 

Often times when someone in my life is hurt over words someone else spouted at them, I like to ask, "and who is this person to you? Do they pay your bills or make a positive difference in your life? Are they truly trying to help with constructive criticism, or did those statements seem like things said to tear you down? If you listen to them, what positive effect will that have on you moving forward? Do their comments need to be considered, or are they just unkind things that will be hurtful more than helpful in the long run?" The reason I like to lead with questions like these is because it helps people to think in a logical, realistic way about what was said. It's easy to let our emotions get the best of us when we're in a situation where someone presses a particularly sensitive button. Emotional thinking can get in the way of realizing the reality of the situation and the comments. In reality, peoples' words are just that - words. Nothing else. When we let them get an emotional chokehold on us, that is when we give them the power to make or break our mood/night/hustle, etc. You are the only person who can give power to words being said to you. If you choose to ignore the unkind and undermining things people say to you and chalk it up to "they're being mean and trying to tear me down", you'll find it's much easier to let go of the things they've said and continue along your way.

Another thing I'd like everyone reading to remember is that people only try to drag you down to be on their level of misery. Good friends, family members, coworkers, customers and romantic partners won't say things that are meant to hurt you and keep you down. People often say hurtful things when they are trying to break you. They are intimidated by and or jealous of your happiness, passion, success and drive. Nobody that wants to see you winning is going to be mean to you, and if the people around you are saying hurtful things or treating you poorly, they're not people you should want to keep around or listen to. Imagine if I'd listened to that girl who made fun of me for not racking out every night and gone home to cry. I'd have missed out on my very first thousand-dollar shift because I let her get into my head and convince me I wasn't good enough to even stay at the club that night. That girl was a nobody in the long run, and her words never should have held any weight in my mind, because she wasn't a friend or even a good person. She wanted to watch me fail and leave so she could feel like she had succeeded at eliminating some of the competition. 

I challenge you all reading this to try and put a different spin on things when someone has something negative to say to you. Instead of letting it get you in that emotional chokehold I talked about earlier, try something like this, "wow that person went out of their way to say something unkind that they thought was going to waiver my confidence. They must really be intimidated and wanting me to fail. I am going to use this as fuel to keep kicking ass and doing what I do best, because nobody is going to get in the way of my success!" 

When you look at it like this, it can be much easier to start using that hateful energy as a positive force in your life. I do this to myself whenever someone is being rude or hurtful toward me and it has honestly helped me become an even better dancer and put into perspective where those unkind statements are coming from and why. Remember, you don't need to let anyone's comments get in your way, and you don't need to compete with anyone except the past version of you! Everyone is on their own journey, yours is unique to you, and other people's words or judgments shouldn't have an impact on the growing you do and success you find.