Imposter Syndrome in the Club

Let's begin with a quick definition of Imposter Syndrome: the persistent inability to believe that one's success is deserved or has been legitimately achieved as a result of one's own efforts or skills. In other words, not allowing yourself to take credit for the things you've achieved and successful moments you've created for yourself. Something to note is that, while it may feel very isolating and unique, imposter syndrome is more common than you might think. A quick Google search determines that somewhere around 80% of people struggle with imposter syndrome at some point in their lives.

So, if you're feeling this way - don't beat yourself up! While it is an unfortunate way to feel, it's normal & there are ways to recognize it and redirect it into healthier thought patterns. Let's familiarize ourselves with some reasons that we may experience imposter syndrome as strippers; while also exploring suggestions that may help us overcome those feelings of not being "successful" or "good enough" in our lives.

Unpredictable Income & Club Traffic: 

As I've said before, the fact that stripper earnings aren't ever guaranteed can be problematic for a variety of reasons. Several bad nights in a row followed by one amazing night can feel great, but it can also leave us wondering if we really did that, or if it was just blind luck. Alternatively, a string of shifts where we hit or exceed our goals followed by one or more shifts where we can't hit our goal or even get close might reinforce the negative belief that we were undeserving of the successful shifts, and we're actually terrible strippers. Either situation can be spun to fit a negative narrative, but in reality, that's just the way the clubs are. It's not a complete reflection upon your capabilities as a dancer. 

Some days you'll be on top of the world and others you'll be leaving in the negative. It happens to all of us. The important thing to remember is that if you truly know you're trying your best, you didn't do anything to make you undeserving of your goal & not hitting your goal isn't a sign that you're an awful dancer who shouldn't be in the club. If you're showing up and giving it your all, that's what truly counts & determines your overall success. If you're just sitting there doing nothing, looking bored and pissed or sitting on your phone, well, that's different. Closed mouths don't close sales, as they say. I digress - but my main takeaway point here is that you are just as deserving to be in the club as anyone else, regardless of how much you're making or if you maybe didn't hit your goal. We can't control our flow of income all the time, nor can we force there to be loads of spending customers every single time we work. 

Ways to Reframe: 

Remind yourself that we can't control our flow of income all the time, nor can we force there to be loads of spending customers every single time we work. Some things are just out of our control, and how we respond to them is what truly counts. Every sales job and job in general is going to have tougher days, but that doesn't make you less deserving or worthy of self-compassion and understanding. 

Remembering that you showed up and tried your best to hit your goals, and that alone makes you a good stripper because you gave effort and probably came away with a learning experience or two from the day.

If you're on a hot streak of high dollar days - simply congratulate yourself! Leave out the "yeah but it was probably just luck", or "that's a once in a lifetime occurrence, it won't ever happen to someone like me again", "I was just in the right place, it could have been anyone's money". Seriously. Leave those self-deprecating thoughts off of the end of the congratulations. If a loved one came to you, proud of how much they'd accomplished, the first thing out of your mouth probably (& hopefully) wouldn't be about how they got lucky and didn't actually deserve it. So, afford yourself the same courtesy, and when you catch yourself saying those devaluing phrases, gently recognize them and redirect. For example, notice the thought, identify it for what it is, rephrase it with the complete opposite version in a positive manner, and leave it at that. Like so: "I had such an amazing week! I hit my goal every shift and I'm so proud of myself! Except that I really just got lucky, and that probably shouldn't have happened to me, someone else probably could have done better and made even more." Instead, once you've labeled the thought as that self-sabotaging imposter syndrome voice, repeat it in your head but with something like, "I had such an amazing week! I hit my goal every shift and I'm so proud of myself! I worked really hard to achieve those goals, and I'm even more motivated to keep doing better and better! If I hit all 4 goals this week, imagine what I'm capable of next week!"

I know it might feel extremely silly to do the first several times, but you've got to attempt to trick your mind into believing in itself. If you believe you can, then you will. If you believe you will fail, then you will. You might still have successful days, but they will be harder to come by and feel like much more of an uphill battle where you're endlessly second guessing yourself and every little thing you do all day long.

Social Stigma:

It's no doubt that by now we all know there are some undesirable-at-best stereotypes associated with the sex work industry and everyone who works in it. While for many, sex work can be empowering, it may also cause feelings of othering and ostracization from those in civilian jobs. The cold hard fact is, some people choose to view our jobs, and consequently us, as "less than" and "unworthy" in comparison to our civilian peers because of the work we've chosen to partake in. This can be especially damaging when you have no support system in or outside of the club. 

Dealing with losing family and/or friends because of your place in the sex work industry is painful, confusing and downright heartbreaking at times. It can cause a lot of inner turmoil and wondering about if this is truly where you belong. Unfortunately, people can be cruel and hateful to sex workers - even people we love and want to accept us. While this is no easy pill to swallow, try to remember that it's not a reflection on you or the legitimacy of your place in the industry. 

How to Reframe:

Remember that everyone is allowed to have their opinion, but that doesn't mean you need to be subjected to it - especially if it's damaging your self-esteem and constantly causing you to feel "wrong" in your career choice.

Focus on the positives you've gained from your career in the industry. People may hurl hateful words to try and smash your confidence, but only you know all of the real good & bad of your time as a dancer/sex worker - so focus on what you know is true and uplifting about your job. Maybe it's meaningful connections you've made, life lessons you've learned, financial freedom you've gained, confidence or physical fitness. Whatever has been especially great for you because of your job - keep reminding yourself of those things and fuck what anyone else says. 

Your journey is unique to you - you're living it, and other people are not. That means that the only person's approval you need is your own! Just because someone else might not like or agree with your choice to be a sex worker does not mean that you're "wrong" or "bad". If you're comfortable doing your work and you have boundaries that work for you, that's what is most important at the end of the day!

Work on building a trusted support system of friends in and/or out of the club/sex work scene as well as any family who supports you and a therapist, meditation coach or life coach. You deserve to be around people who make you feel best as your authentic self.

Comparison to Others:

As mentioned in the Cons of Stripping blog which you can read here, comparing yourself to other dancers can cause self-doubt around your worthiness to be in the club. There are innumerable ways in which we can compare ourselves to others. From how we look to what customers we attract to how much money we make, the list is virtually endless. It can be painstakingly difficult to stop ourselves from assuming that if we "just danced/looked/acted like that other dancer" we'd have more of a right to be here or we'd be making more money or people would respect us more, etc. 

Once again, I tell you, comparison is the thief of joy. While feeling like the absolute baddest bitch in the whole club might not be possible at every single moment, you certainly don't need to ever compare yourself to someone else or be like someone else to have a valuable and important place on the club floor. 

How to Reframe:

Focus on the unique aspects you bring to the club! Separate fact from fiction/assumption. You don't know what another dancer is making, what her life looks like behind closed doors, or how she's making her ends meet - so why assume?

Writing a factual list of your unique skills and strengths is a great way to help, for example: "I have great conversational skills" "my floorwork always keeps people entertained" "my hairstyles are a big hit most nights" "I am always striving to approach as many people as I can" "I'm amazing at moving to any kind of music", etc. Whatever you know you've got going on, focus on those things and remember that what makes you unique and appealing to customers may not be the same things as another dancer, but that's what is beautiful about the club! There's a style and vibe for every customer type! 

Every single person you approach won't be a slam dunk; that's just a fact. However, every interaction, regardless of how it ends, can be an opportunity to learn, grow and refine your skills and strategies. 

Imposter syndrome is unfortunately not something we can force out of ourselves overnight, but like anything, with time, practice and intention plus a good support system, it is possible to overcome! Remember, we all have a right to be working at the club, regardless of how different we are from any and every other dancer there. Your uniqueness is important to your hustle and being yourself is what makes you so appealing to a variety of different customers every day! Seriously, I encourage you to make an honest list of your strengths at the club and refer back to that when you feel doubt and imposter syndrome creeping into your head. Be cocky and confident when writing your list - nobody else needs to see it, so hype yourself up and don't feel bad about giving yourself credit where it's due! Good luck!